Fall is fast approaching. Fall is a season when many parents say good-bye to their college age children. Last year, my Country Boy and I said good-bye to our second son as he moved out for college. I knew it was coming, but man oh man it didn’t make it any easier. Here are a few things I learned in the process of coping when kids leave home. I hope that you are comforted by the realization that you are not alone as a parent, as you go through this stage. Whether your child is leaving to join the military, moving to start life on their own or to college, it is a new season.
Coping when Kids Leave Home Part I
Cry Now and Later
As I didn’t want to be bawling on the college campus when we dropped off our son, I decided to allow myself to cry before he even left. Daughters might be OK with mom crying some tears. However, most kid don’t want to see their parents crumple into a weeping mess. So, I tried to mentally prepare myself by allowing myself to cry and be sad anytime I needed to before the big day arrived.
It felt good to have some cleansing cries, acknowledging that he was leaving. This really did help me to get through college orientation weekend without latching on to my son’s legs begging him to stay!
So crying before and acknowledging that a season in my life was closing was helpful but is was just the beginning. Ugh, those were some tough mornings the weeks following my son leaving for college. I would wake up and a wave of sadness flowed over me. I would look around on the internet to try to find how other parents had coped. Sadly, I didn’t find much. What I did find felt a little frightening. I didn’t want to fall into some huge depression or believe that my life was over. So I tried to balance having some good cries, talking about it with some close family and friends and trying to move forward.
Recognize a New Season
I had several friends mention that my son was not moving far away, and that I could go see him whenever I wanted. Yes and No. This felt like it would be a trap to try to hold onto this idea. Yes, he wasn’t moving states away, but I knew what was happening.
One season in my life with this child was ending and another one was beginning.
To try to hold onto the season that was ending would only bring heartache in another way.
For me, it felt best to acknowledge what was happening. A season was ENDING! Yuck! I hated that the season where I was one of his main mentors and he slept at home in his bed every night was ending. Why did childhood season have to end in order to start this new season, called adult life?
It was hard to not see and talk with him everyday. However, it was even harder to look at the change that was occurring. But I wanted to give him and myself some closure. We had had a challenging but wonderful time while he was home. We made it! We survived the toddler years, the middle school days and most of the teen years. I wanted to say good bye to that season more than I wanted to pretend and miss saying good bye.
Move Forward Slowly
So I totally FAILED at this one. I think I looked more like a chicken running around after a bug. I was all over the place. I looked at options to work more hours outside the home. At the same time, I decided to teach 2 classes in our homeschool co-op. I also become the coordinator between our church and the homeschool co-op. This all seemed rational to me in the moment. I mean, after all I was going to have more free time with both boys gone. I just needed to move on the next stage, right? Not exactly.
While things did change at home and there were a few extra hours, life still went on. I needed to take care of my family still at home. The house still had to be cleaned along with all the other daily necessities. My daughter still required my attention.
During this adjustment period give yourself time to gradually process what may need to alter.
And then decide how to move forward. If you still have children at home, then you may only make subtle changes. If you are empty nesters , you may be ready to take on the next big challenge. But give it some time before you decide. You have suffered a loss. So allow yourself the space to grieve.
And don’t forget to take a minute to feel proud of raising your child. Parenting is not a job for wimps, right? You did what you set out to accomplish! And reaching this point is a huge blessing!
There is more I would love to share so read here for Coping When Kids Leave Home Part II.
Also head here for some additional tips on the Summer before College from Dana at Parenting in Real Life!
Are you approaching this stage or have gone through this? Feel free to share some of your thoughts below in the comments. I know I and others would feel comforted hearing from you.
Are you new to my blog? You may also enjoy reading here on Finding Contentment. Or here on 4 Keys to Maneuvering Through Life’s Transitions.
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Sherry says
Thanks for the encouragement Miranda! Even though my oldest is not leaving home officially, she’s starting high school this year and that is a major change for sure! Less “mommy” and I’m afraid deep down I’m in a place of grieving too.
Miranda says
Sherry, I think you are right that some of that grieving or realization, that our children are growing up, starts in high school. We start to see that they won’t be young forever. I hope that you give yourself some time to process. And then enjoy those high school years! They are some great years.
Heather says
‘Parenting is not a job for wimps, right? You did what you set out to accomplish! And reaching this point is a huge blessing.’ <–This right here is so encouraging! As I see my daughter taking care of things on her own, I'm choosing to focus on this. All those years of wondering if what we were doing would be enough have come to this… God is with her wherever she goes and that comforts us immensely.
Miranda says
Heather, It is comforting to focus on the fact that your daughter is now standing and thriving on her own! Just what you hoped. And, I agree, that it is more than wonderful realizing that God goes with our kids where ever they go!
Diane says
Thank you for sharing this beautiful post. I can relate to so much of what you said because my son is leaving next Thursday for a 27 month Peace Corps assignment. I’m so very proud of him, but I’ll miss not being able to see him for such a long time.
Hugs to you as you enter this new season of life!
Miranda says
Diane, You are so welcome and thank you for your sweet words. Oh, I’m sure you are going to miss your son over those 27 months! Wow, the Peace Corps! What an exciting opportunity for him. It is a challenging season, isn’t it, juggling being happy to see our children soar out of the nest and sad to see less of them!
Kathy says
Thank you for the post. You are right, there aren’t a lot of articles out there about this topic, even when I looked a few years ago. I have an idea why this is, what do you think is the reason it’s hard to find encouragement online about this topic?
Miranda says
It does seem like a lot of bloggers are younger moms so that may contribute to the lack of articles on the topic of becoming an empty nester. I have since found the site Grown and Flown which has some great posts on the topic. But the site is mainly guest posts and not from one blogger. And it does seem like bloggers will write on the topic but it may be just a small part of what they write about with their main emphasis on crafting or homemaking. So that can make it harder to find the articles. What are your thoughts?
Misty says
Oh Miranda – What an encourager you are. My youngest son just started kindergarten this summer. Kindergarten! Yet, I too, have felt quite a bit of apprehension and sadness about the changes this means for our family. Letting go sure is hard and as you mentioned I’m certainly having difficulty in not pretending things can’t stay the way they were. Thank you for your article. I think the advice can span across to help with changes experienced at all different levels in life.
Miranda says
Misty, I was just thinking of you all the other day wondering how Kindergarten was going!! That is a big change for you and your family. So glad you found some comfort in the post. Enjoyed hearing your perspective.
Jibiben says
Hi Miranda, Iam going through this stage in my life. It’s been 4 months since my son left to stay in a hostel for his higher studies. Everyday I cry . When I read this mail I realized that there are lots of parents specially mother’s going through this sad phase. Sometimes I think I will go to a state of depression. But this mail is so timely and thanks for opening and sharing about this topic. We can pray for each other and for our children , may God be with them wherever they are.
Thank you
Jibiben
Miranda says
Jibiben, I am so glad that you found my post when you needed it most. Yes, so many parents really struggle when their kids leave home. While we are happy for our children, it can be so hard to let go and say goodbye to the stage when they were home full time. I hope that you and your son have figured out the best way to stay in touch and that you begin to feel less sad soon. And yes, God is such a help during these times. Thinking of you!