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How to Know When to Keep or Fire that Friend?

October 23, 2017 By: Miranda14 Comments

How to Know when to Keep or Fire Your FriendIt happened when my daughter was still in the church nursery.  She was barely talking, and she was already mentioning her two “friends” by name.  I was caught off guard by my daughter’s strong desire to find friends.  But what started off as cute antics has grown. Those girls are still all friends 11 years later.  And fortunately, no one still bites each other any more!  Deep friendships are something most of us long to find.   Friends can make life so much more fun and the hard times more bearable.  Other times our friendships can be a source of great personal anguish.  So how to know when to keep or fire that friend is a survival skill we should all attain.  It will help us to draw and treasure the right friends and walk away from people who will drain us.

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How to Know When to Keep or Fire that Friend?

As we go through this conversation about friends, I would love if we would first look at our boundaries when it comes to our friends.

Do you struggle to allow others to get near you? Sometimes our past wounds from people makes it easier to keep everyone behind a wall.  We tend to share very little with others.  If this is your struggle, I would love to encourage you. Examine the “Keep the Friend” list below.  Would you take a small leap of faith and allow one person who meets the standards of a “keep the friend” to be invited into your inner circle?  Start small by sharing some bit of personal information about yourself.

Perhaps you lean the opposite way.  You allow everyone into your inner circle when they really should be kept out in acquaintance land.  Not everyone has earned the right to be in your inner circle.  And you are the one that ultimately can decide whether to allow a person into your inner circle.  Look below to see if any of your current “friends” have violated the “Fire that Friend” rules.  If they have maybe it’s time to spend less time and share less with them.

You are a person worthy of being valued and cared for by your close friends!

Alright, so let’s jump in!

Keep the Friend if they are supportive of you.

A genuine friend wants to help you when you need help.  They ask how you are feeling and genuinely care how you are doing.  There is a balance to the relationship.  Sometimes things are focused on your friend and what is going on in their life.  Other times your friend is rearranging their schedule to be there for you.

A good friend gives to the relationship and makes you a priority.  They will make an effort in the relationship by calling or texting and making time to get together.

There should be a certain comfort level in the relationship where you feel like they have your back.  You may have times when life is busy and you all don’t see each other as much, but you know if you needed them they would be there for you.

Keep the Friend if they are respectful of you. How to know When to Keep or Fire Your Friend

A healthy friend recognizes that you are talented and wonderful in your own unique way.  They don’t feel the need to compete with you .  They know their own worth and are not threatened when you enjoy successes.  If they can promote you or bring attention to your skills they jump in to do so.  In fact, they may be the one to point out the hidden talents you hesitate to recognize.

When you all poke fun at each other it should feel fun and not like they are secretly jabbing at you.  You feel valued and safe in the friendship so when they laugh at your foibles or shortcomings it’s with the understanding that they also see the value of the real you.

Keep the Friend who listens to you.

Your friends are going to let you down at some point.  We are all human and chances are we will do something stupid and hurt our friends at some point.  However, the friend that is a keeper will listen when you say that you were hurt or confused by something they said or did.  They will acknowledge their responsibility for their action.  A good friend may say they are sorry they hurt you.  They may say that this is an area they struggle in so you will need to decide if it is a flaw you are willing to live with like they live with yours.

Sometimes we will disagree with one another.  After all, we are our own person.  But you come to appreciate one another’s point of view and you know that your friend will listen to your ideas and beliefs.

Keep the Friend who understands your other obligations.

Friendship is work.  We have to make an effort if we want to develop genuine relationships.  However, as we get older we have a lot of responsibilities at work and at home.  A friend who understands this and works together with you to maintain the relationship is priceless.

Sometimes relationships shift such as when one of you gets married or takes on a new job.  It may take sometime to figure out the new groove.  A healthy relationship should be able to gradually find a new flow to it. And when you get together things feel comfortable and you can’t wait to catch up with one another.

Keep the Friend who shares similar values and goals.

I have learned so much from my friends.  I have learned how to be more organized, a better hostess, a better friend, a wiser person and more from my friends.  Surrounding yourself with people who are a little smarter than you in some way can be a great way to improve yourself.

Too often I see people pick friends who are the exact same as they are or even a little less mature.  It can feel safer.

When it comes to those friends you pull into your close circle make sure that you both have something to offer one another.  Else you may find yourself pulled further away from your values and dreams.

So how do we know when to let a friendship end?

So now that we have delved into what makes a good friend, let’s look at some “friends” you may need to fire or at least remove from your close friend circle.

Fire the Friend who constantly criticizes you.

Do you feel like you are never good enough when you are around this friend?  Do you feel like you come up short?  I appreciate a friend who tells me that I’m in the wrong.  But if you are constantly being told by your friend you are in the wrong then something is off.  Any relationship should have a balance of truth and grace to it.  They will be honest and truthful with you but it is balanced with love and grace.  If you are feeling all the “honesty” but none of the love and grace it may be time to fire this friend.

Life is already hard enough without feeling like you need to work to win your friend’s approval.

Fire the Friend who makes your friendship a competition.

Do you feel like your friendship has become a competition?  You share something exciting and instead of your friend being happy for you, they only tell you something about themselves that they did a little better.  You find yourself thinking about what your “friend” would say if you mess up something or if they discovered that your child was struggling?  Instead of them coming along side you and trying to comfort you, it feels like they are almost glad that you failed at something.

You may run in the same circles of friends so it may not be an option to never see this person.  But you may need to fire them as your close friend and move them out of your inner circle.

Fire the Friend who never shares their feelings.How to know when to keep or fire your friend

Most people who are healthy will gradually open up and share.  They may pick and choose when to share personal information, but they will gradually share.

Walk away from the friend who never reveals anything personal about themselves.  It is a strange feeling realizing that you have been opening up and sharing in what you thought was a healthy relationship.  However, when you start to think back, you realize that your friend has never once opened up about their own thoughts and experiences.   Friendship takes vulnerability.  While everyone needs a different amount of time to feel safe to open up, never opening up is not a healthy sign.

Fire the Friend who only operates from a point of hurt

There is a tipping point in a person’s life where their genuine desire for friendships is outweighed by their need for self-preservation.  Some people have experienced such deep hurt and trauma that it is truly hard for them to not always choose themselves over another person. While this sounds like someone who truly needs a friend, they need good mentors and a counselor more.

If you find yourself caught up with a friend who constantly hurts you, but you don’t feel like they are being malicious you may just be dealing with a deeply hurt individual.  Stay close to them if you desire to help them, but you need to fire them as your close friend.  Instead, see your former friend as someone who needs guidance and support, but who is unable to have a healthy friendship of give and take.

PIN for Later!How to Know when to Keep or Fire that Friend

I struggled in this area for several years.  I was reacting to a former wound in my life and begin to pull more and more hurtful people to me which only increased my pain.  At this time in my life, I did have some healthy friends.  However, though I wanted to be a good friend, I would ultimately choose myself over them every time.  When my choices led to a painful situation I finally began to change.  And thanks to a few great mentors, I matured and became someone who could be a good friend.

Remember, you can only have so many friends in your inner circle.  So make wise choices about who is allowed into that close circle.

How to Know When to Keep or Fire Your Friend!

You are a unique person full of worth and any person who desires to truly know you should treat you as such.

A position in your inner friend circle should be earned, never demanded or expected.

Do you need to make some different choices about who is in your inner friend circle?  I highly recommend the book Safe People: How to Find Relationships that are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren’t by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.  Safe People is not only life-changing, but it’s also very enjoyable as the authors have included plenty of stories to illustrate their points.

Is there someone who has proven to be trustworthy and supportive.  Perhaps it’s time to allow that person to get to know the real you.  Are there some people who you need to move out of your inner circle.  If you have a friend who has repeatedly violated your trust and is very critical of you then its time to move them out of your inner circle.  Take the first step today to creating the friendships you have longed to have!

Would you like a little more help with this topic?  Sign up for my FREE “5 Days to a More Vibrant Life” where I will personally lead you through reviewing your boundaries.  It would be my joy to encourage you in this area!

Yes, I want to discover the Keys to an Emotionally Healthy Life! "5 Days to a More Vibrant Life" FREE eCourse Click Here

 

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Comments

  1. 1

    Julia says

    October 23, 2017 at 6:18 pm

    This definitely gives me some food for thought. You made some really great points in this article and reminded me that I need to get in touch with a good friend I haven’t talked to in a while.

    Reply
    • 2

      Miranda says

      October 23, 2017 at 7:29 pm

      Oh, I love to hear that! Thanks Julia.

      Reply
  2. 3

    Heather bee says

    October 23, 2017 at 11:16 pm

    Wow, Miranda! Some excellent points here… I love how you hit on so many points to watch for in healthy friendships and not-so-healthy ones. I have definitely been blessed and challenged to grow by our friendship! And I think that top pic kind of looks like us on a cruise. Maybe someday?

    Reply
    • 4

      Miranda says

      October 24, 2017 at 11:04 am

      That is funny you say that about the picture. I didn’t notice the similarities til about half way through it struck me! Yes, that would be so fun to go on vacation with a friend who would understand when I pulled out a huge stack of books to read on the trip! Ha, ha!!

      Reply
  3. 5

    misty says

    October 26, 2017 at 1:51 pm

    Such a wonderful and sincere piece. We see so much of the false or shallow friendships in our culture now. While it is right to always be kind and friendly, it is so important to remember what you wrote, that true and deep friendship “should be earned, never demanded or expected.” Thank you.

    Reply
    • 6

      Miranda says

      October 26, 2017 at 6:35 pm

      Yes, sometimes we need to stop and value what we bring to a friendship!

      Reply
  4. 7

    Nat says

    October 28, 2017 at 5:32 am

    Wow! Definitely a lot to think about and reassess the meaning of the friendship! Life is too short to waste it on people who don’t make you feel better…

    Reply
    • 8

      Miranda says

      October 29, 2017 at 7:55 pm

      Hi Nat,
      I agree that it is wonderful to give to relationships where you are valued.

      Reply
  5. 9

    Taylor says

    October 31, 2017 at 3:55 pm

    Great post and awesome topic! I wonder how often we think about our friendships and how much we put into them as well as how much others do.

    This made me think of my mom when reading this. She is such a generous and giving person, and wouldn’t have a friendship any other way. So of course she’s left wondering why a lot of people aren’t on the same level with the relationship a lot of the time.

    As much as it’s important to abide by these friendship rules, I think it’s important to remember too that you can have different levels of friendships. And even if someone can’t give 100%, that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be in your life at all! By taking people and the friendship for what it is sometimes, we can prevent a lot of hurt and misunderstanding.

    Thanks so much for sharing!

    Reply
    • 10

      Miranda says

      November 1, 2017 at 11:34 am

      Hi Taylor,

      Thanks and I’m glad you enjoyed the post! Yes, friendship takes all sort of level and kinds. That is wise to realize that “you can have different levels of friendship.” And while someone may not be in our intimate inner circle we can enjoy the fun times and things we learn from them when our paths cross:) Great point!

      Reply
  6. 11

    Whitney says

    October 31, 2017 at 5:32 pm

    I have a friend that I have known since I was 2 and we are still the best of friends. With that being said, I have had to fire friends in my life as well…and it has been hard but also freeing. This was such a wonderful post! I really enjoyed it!

    Reply
    • 12

      Miranda says

      November 1, 2017 at 11:29 am

      Whitney,
      That is great to have friends that have been in your life for years, isn’t it?:) I agree, it can be very hard but freeing to let a relationship go when you realize you need to. Glad you enjoyed post.

      Reply

Trackbacks

  1. Overcoming Trust Issues in Friendships - The Reluctant Cowgirl says:
    May 16, 2018 at 11:08 am

    […] If you feel like you are constantly having to strive or work to just keep the friendship, it is time to release that relationship.  Friendships are meant to be supportive and mutual.  If you are consistently being hurt or never feel like you “measure up” then it is a sign that something is unhealthy.  Read my post here on,  How to Know When to Keep or Fire That Friend  . […]

    Reply
  2. 10 Ways to Calm Your Anxious Thoughts and Have a Productive Day - The Reluctant Cowgirl says:
    March 8, 2019 at 3:39 pm

    […] Remind yourself of what you know is absolutely true and not just what you are imagining.  It may also benefit you to think about what you can do.  Can you respond differently to a problem in the future?  Do you need to just let an offense go, for your own peace of mind.   Perhaps its time to release a friendship or relationship that is not working. […]

    Reply

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I'm Miranda. Educator, Speaker and Vibrant Life Mentor. A city girl married to a country boy! At The Reluctant Cowgirl, I share personal growth and parenting advice for busy moms of tweens and teens! Learn ways to care for yourself and cultivate an amazing family life! Welcome to Your Vibrant Life!

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